Missed Opportunities

So Elena and I went to Desire in Mexico. We were there checking the resort out to see if we wanted to do a trip there. This was in March 2007 or 2008.  Desire is a great resort and we were really impressed from the time we arrived.  The first day I was sitting at the pool alone waiting for Elena, checking out the crowd.  I saw this big muscular dude sitting across the pool from me….. Ok I know what you are thinking "Todd.. Dude why are you checking out guys? What's up with that?"  Lets pause so I can explain.  I am not really "checking out" dudes! It's just that I cannot tell you how many times, I have seen a hot girl, made a move, things are going great, when her guy walks up and he is 30 years older than her, and terribly out of shape.  The problem with this scenario is that this guy is a "no go" for Elena. So it is a big waste of time!  However 99% of the time, if the guy is good looking his girl is hot also!  So if I see a guy I think Elena might dig, I hang back until I see his girl.  See?  Desire is also a couples only resort, so I know he is there with a girl.  Ok on with the story.  So this guy was exactly Elena's type, so I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.  10 min later his girl walks up and WOW  Crazy hot. Dark, hair blue eyes! slamming body, beautiful face. She was a 10! I actually thought I had seen her before, she looked familiar but I could not place her. 

15 min later or so Elena comes down and I point this couple out. She was like "yeah let go chat with them"  So we go over started talking, and we all got along great.  Turns out this guy and Elena were studying the same thing in school. They were not only good looking but fun to chat with. The reason the girl looked familiar is that she was a pretty famous model and I recognized her from a specific campaign she did. I can't give more info on them for privacy reasons. But I will tell you that they both modeled in college, both had their own billboards, and I would bet everyone reading this has seen them! Once again I know what you are thinking! " Todd, I get how the guy would dig Elena but, dude.. This girl isn't going to go for you!"  I agree 100% but I figured, what the hell!  So we hung around them all day and we all ended up going to dinner and the night club.  Things were going great! The girl let's call her "Jane" really dug me…..really!  I was getting ready to suggest that we all go back to our room when Elena gave me the news that her Aunt Flow just stopped by!  FUCK!  So I told the guy, lets call him "Joe".  I said "Joe dude she can't play, she is broke!" he was like "That’s ok Jane likes you, lets all go back to our room, and Elena and I will just watch" GREAT!  so we all go back to their room, Elena and joe are fooling around a little and me and Jane start to fool around also. After about 10 min she tells me to get a condom, which I had ready to go…. I put the condom on, I get ready to go and …. "Wait" she says. "Why aren't they doing anything?" I said "Elena cant" , "Ohhh" she says "I get it, well lets wait for them, it would not be fair".  I was like "no no, I already talked to Joe, he was cool with it" . She said," I would feel more comfortable waiting".  FUCK! Ok well it’s the first day. We have all week. So for the next three days we all hung out. Went to see the ruins, danced, drank etc. We were really all vibing! There was a TON of sexual energy.  So this was the night…. after the night club we went back to their room.  Me and Jane are making out, Joe and Elena are really getting into it, when suddenly….. gurgle gurgle gurgle.  Yeah, that’s right, my stomach.  Seems the Mexican food from that day didn’t agree with me.  So I stopped kissing her and said "I'll be right back"  I ran out of their room, across the resort into my room and blew up the toilet! I mean it was not good.  I jumped in the shower washed my ass, dried off, ran back across the resort to their room. She was looking at me like "What the fuck?".   You may think that because I had to wait 4 days for Elena she would have waited for me to come back right?  Negative, they were really going at it! Didn’t even notice I left the room!  So I grabbed Jane and started kissing her, everything was going good for about 10 min, when……That’s right gurgle gurgle gurgle. Same thing.. told her I would be back, ran out of the room, etc etc.  This scenario happened 3 times. In the end she figured out what was going on, she thought it was funny so we basically just watched them.  The next day we flew home.  On the plane the next day Elena was like "Wasn’t that great! Wow the anticipation from waiting all those days, Wow, that we terrific, don’t you think that was our best Lifestyle experience?"  I shouted "no I do not" as I was headed to the bathroom on the plane!

Two months later we go to Naughty in Nawlins.  First night we meet a really great looking couple, and we were all getting along pretty well. This girl was a fitness model with a beautiful face. Not a body builder but fitness model, crazy crazy hot! They were only there for two nights. The first night we went to whatever the party was at the hotel, but he was not feeling well so they went to bed early. The next day we hung out most of the day and everything was going great.  Unfortunately Elena and I had to man our booth and work, but the plan was to all hang out starting at about 11:00pm that night.  So at 10:30 or so, I went up to the room to jump in the shower and freshen up. I was still upset about the crazy hot, smart,  model in Mexico that I would never get a chance to hook up with.  I got out of the shower, went to zip my pants up, when……… OUCH!  FUCK!    Yeah..That’s right.. I zipped by junk up in the zipper.  Right in the end to! I am sure you have seen "Something about Mary"?  Yeah.. just like that.   It was pretty bad. So after mopping up the blood, I went down to meet Elena and the couple.  Elena said "What took you so long?"  I replied, "Well honey, I just zipped my dick up in my zipper and its all fucked up!"  The other girl was looking at me kind of shocked.  Elena was like "ok well, let's see how it goes" I was like "honey, my junk it all messed up, it isn't going to go anywhere" She said "well you can watch, like you did in Mexico"   Really, she said that!

So what is the moral of the story?  There isnt a moral, just a story about missed opportunites, diaria, and a zipper.

The day I got arrested in Florida

As some of you know I used to be a manufacturers’ rep. I would sell electronics to retails stores, like Circuit City, Crutchfiled, etc. One year, must have been 99 – 01, one of our vendors had a rep conference in Orlando. Now, these conferences were professional during the day. You would learn about federal trade regulations and products, give out awards, etc. This particular year, we won Rep of The Year, which was a big deal. I personally got a $2500 bonus, which was ton of money for me at that time, plus I knew that I would get a lot of press. 
At night, it was crazy! Imagine, a bunch of married sales guys away from their families. They would get extra fucked up and do stupid stuff. One night several of us went to this little bar at a local hotel that had a DJ. It was myself, my boss / partner, the rep from Chicago, the rep for the Carolinas, and a few other guys. These were pretty nutty guys and fun to hang out with. We drove our rental car which was a white Chrysler convertible with tan interior (remember these details). So we were all hanging out and drinking A LOT. Most of these guys were in their 50's and I was in my early 30's, so they wanted to roll out early. I met these two HOT ass Ethiopian girls. Now let's pause for a minute, so I can let you know that I think Ethiopian girls are the most beautiful women on the planet (other than Bulgarians of course). They are this killer mix of African, European, and Middle Eastern. Actually the entire culture and history is pretty interesting. Me and the guy from NC were dancing with them for a while when my boss came over and said, he was going back to the hotel and that I could keep the rental (which we valeted). He said to have fun, but not to drink too much because we had an early meeting. He was cool like that; big perv himself. He rolled out with the other older guys.

After a half an hour or so, the girls said they were staying close and asked us if we wanted to go to their place… Uh yeah! So we went to the valet, and told him I was driving a white Chrysler convertible, and he returned with the car after a few min. We jumped in and started going back to their place. In the meantime the NC rep chickened out and wanted to go back to his hotel. I didn’t care, I thought maybe both girls would be down! We pulled up to his hotel and as he was getting out I said, "Dude don’t forget your coat" He said “That’s not my coat, Todd”. All of a sudden I realized, ”Wait; Our car had tan interior! This one has blue. Fuck! This is not our car!” I was a mile away from being knee deep in some pussy! I mean, what am I going to do? We had an early meeting with a new local vendor and we needed our car, but I knew that these girls may change their minds. They were Ethiopian, and how many chances I was going to have to check off that box? Fuck! So, I drove back to the bar, explain the situation to the valet. The guy said, he cannot find our car and that he must have messed up and given it to the other party. I looked in the glove box and found the rental agreement. On it was the person’s name and hotel. I called the hotel and asked for their room. I left a message and said "I think I may have your rental car and you have mine. I was at xxx bar tonight and I think you were there also. It’s late and I am going to bed (yeah right!). Call me tomorrow and we will switch back." Cool right? So, I went to this girls place. The one girl went to bed, but the other girl stayed up. She was silly hot, really! She had these white lace panties and bra on that contrasted with her dark skin (getting a boner thinking about it! ) We were fooling around and then she drops the bomb. BTW I just started my period! FUCK! What do to?… What to do? Got it. Anal! So what happened next you ask?.... Really? that’s a stupid question, I fucked her in the ass! Of course, why not? A while later I went back to my hotel. I went to bed for a few hours; woke up very fuzzy, with a hangover (not too bad); told my boss about fucking the girl in the ass and the rental, then we headed off to our meeting.

On the way the lady that has the car calls and starts yelling at me for taking her car. I was like, "Lady relax God Damn! You have my car! I went back to the bar and the valet said he gave you my car. I found the rental agreement and left you a message. I'll be back in a few hours and we will switch back, I will come to where you are." Here is the bad part. She didn’t have my car. She never had it. She went to get her car and it was just gone. She said "Well, I need my car now!"; however, we were on our way to a meeting that may have been worth millions of dollars in sales, so I told her she would have to wait.

A few hours later I show up at her hotel. I called her and waited down stairs. Then three cops came around the corner slammed me on the ground and hand cuffed me. Then sat me on the curb! Not shit, I couldn’t make this stuff up! The lady was yelling at me saying I stole her car. I explained to the cop what happened and he told me just to be quite and let him think. The valet people were also there and they had found our car. Turns out the parking lot was full, so he parked it around back and never saw the keys (thanks asshole!) The cop explained "You seem like an ok guy, but once you took the car back to the valet and didn’t leave it, you stole the car because you knew it was not yours". I said, "Yeah, but I was trying to do the right thing! I even left a message at her hotel, I assumed she had my car". The cop then explained that the lady was super pissed and that he will have to arrest me for grand theft, which was a felony and I would not get bail, because I was out of state! Holly Shit! I thought, I was going to pass out! He said, the fact that I didn’t have my car had nothing to do with the fact I took hers; that if I had just taken it and not told the valet or left a message, I would be cool. So that’s it! I was going to jail!

I had just bought a two tone Submariner with a certi dial. I took it off along with a gold chain (hey don’t laugh, gold chains were still cool then). I gave them, along with my wallet to my boss. That was that, I was going to jail, I would be ass raped and I would have to join a gang to get by in prison. My life was over. All because I fucked this Ethiopian girl in the ass! (There are worse reasons to go to jail). My boss who also didn’t want to see me get arrested, because I ran the entire sales team and made him a lot of money, went over and talked to the lady. After about 20 min and some currency changing hands she said, if I apologized she would not press charges. Now, I have a difficult time swallowing my pride and apologizing especially when I think I am not wrong, but given the choice of swallowing my pride and being raped in prison, I apologized. A lot! She told the cop to let me go, we jumped in our car and headed out of there!

For the next 5 years I was known by the manufacturer and other reps as the guy that stole the car at the rep meeting. ( I sold a lot of stuff, so they really didn’t give a shit) Even when the Japanese from the company would see me they would say, " Oh Todd son, you stole car in Florida! Why you do that?" They never forgot that until the day I left! This was not the only time I made a bad decision to get some ass!

My First Time

I decided to start a blog that I will update occasionally about all of the crazy stuff we find ourselves involved in as the owners of LoveVoodoo. Some good, some bad, but it’s rarely dull!   I can guarantee you that this blog will be full of spelling mistakes, punctuation errors, run on sentences, and basically just plan grammatically incorrect. You may also get to the end and think, "What was the point of that blog? I think, I just wasted 15 min of my life which I will never get back! Damn, I hate Todd!"   But hey it's my God damn blog…You don’t have to read it! 
I have been thinking recently, why I am such a big pervert and how I got involved in swinging in the first place.  I think it started when I was 16.  I grew up in Wheaton, Maryland  which is a pretty shitty suburb of D.C.  In 70's and 80's, Wheaton was the type of place were the repetitive dull thumping sound of the Maryland State Police helicopter flying over the neighborhood and an occasional gunshot would help me fall asleep! There was a family from Ecuador living next to us and their cousins (two twins) would come over occasionally to visit. I think they were a year younger than me. They used to hang around a bunch of rough dudes in their early 20's smoking weed down at the creek by the end of our street, and occasionally hung out with the Pagans, who had converted a house a few doors down to a biker club house.  The Pagans are another story. They had mattresses and a couch in the front yard which they would lay around smoking weed and drinking on all day, then race their bikes up the street. The had names, like Blood, Bones, etc.  All in all though they were good guys and watched out for the neighborhood kids!  

Ok, Back to the main story. Basically these two young ladies were future strippers in training (nothing against strippers, I am a big fan!).  So one day they called me over to the rusty chain link fence that separated our two yards and said pretty directly, "If you can get some alcohol, we will let you see us naked".  Really!  They said it just like that!  Now, at this point in my life, I was jerking off so much, I was beginning to pull out knee cartilage.  My mom couldn’t figure out why I was going through 8 pairs of socks for every one pair of pants.  Given this generous offer I was on a mission! In needed alcohol. So, I went up to Party Time and Elby's beer and wine in Wheaton (both still in business), and begged people to buy me alcohol; however, it was not to be. Finally, Elby himself came out and said he called the police, so I went home.   Then it came to me!  I went down to the bikers house and took some empty Bartle's and James wine cooler bottles out of their trash. I took them home washed them, filled them with Orange Juice, straightened the lids and knocked them back on with a plastic mallet.  I then went down to the creek (this is the one place we were not supposed to go).  This creek went through these huge concrete tunnels that were at least 6ft in diameter.  The tunnels were a haven for every bad kid in the Glenmont / Wheaton area.  I hid the fake coolers in a smaller tunnel off of the main.  I went home and told "The Twins"  that I had wine coolers. Now this was probably 84 or so, and every girl loved wine coolers then!  They went to the creek with me and into the tunnels.    I got the coolers out and they began to pound them.  Then they said that they felt light-headed and thought they drank too much! (yeah too much orange juice!)  So I said, "Well it's your turn", so they pulled their shirts up and showed me their tits.  This was HUGE, because the only tits I had ever seen were on Super TV & HBO which my dad was stealing (Everyone was stealing everything in Wheaton).  I thought I was going to pass out. Then one, not sure which pulled down her shorts at the same time and showed me everything, while the other one gave me a blow job.  So, 4 seconds later, when we were finished we went home!  Occasionally, over the next 4 years, I hooked up with one or the other of them but never both.  

I know what you are asking, "Todd what the fuck does this have to do with swinging?"   My point is that my first sexual experience was twins! Seriously, come on give me some props! Twins!   In retrospect, I guess, I could have just said that from the beginning, but it's too late for that now.  Point is, that experience set the bar pretty high right off the bat.  I think that is what planted the seed, turned me into a great big perv, and then eventually we opened LoveVoodoo.  I guess, if we ever make Millions, I should find the twins and give them some commission!

More to come!